[SIC!] [the eXile - #112, 22.03.01]

THE WRATH OF MCGRATH

Hi,
This is probably an odd request, but i was wondering if you know/knew a Sean McGrath in moscow. Middle aged man (well when i knew him), about 5’10”/6’, bald.
I got your e-mail address from http://www.exile.ru/mast.html after reading http://www.exile.ru/shite/irish61.html
Hope you can help
cheers
eoin

Dear Mr. Eoin,
We’re sorry to tell you that your partner Mr. McGrath died following an operation-gone-wrong performed by the famous Russian specialist Dr. Abram Schvartz to transplant McGrath’s famously thick red ass hair to his sweaty, bald scalp. Apparently his Irish ass hair was so feral that within days after the operation, the transplanted hair rapidly grew down the sides of Sean’s head, around his neck and eventually strangled him before doctors could act. What’s worse, the hair dragged Sean’s corpse down three flights of stairs and into a dark corner underneath his apartment basement, where it slowly dissolved his flabby body in a toxic secretion of enzymatic juices, then ate his head, torso and limbs, leaving Sean’s trademark long-yellow fingernails as the only remains for us to bury. The hair escaped without a trace and was reportedly sighted last Sunday at the St. Patrick’s Day float lurking menacingly near Mayor Luzhkov’s motorcade.

ABOUT.CONNED

Hello, editor...
Your paper is rather disliked at the About.com Russian Culture forums. I brought its name up at a discussion board as required reading for one of the Moscow Times’ haters in the forum. The “hater” believed that the Moscow Times was a very anti-Russian newspaper. Apparently, he thinks that the Exile is of the same nature.
But my question is for the poitcian/writer/soldier/womanizer Monseuier Eduard Limonov. What exactly are his thoughts on Stalin? Stalin’s reforms? I would find it fascinating to learn about his take on the marvelous tyrant...
MIKHAIL DOROGOMILOV

Dear Mr. Dorogomilov,
Are you a fag? You are a Russian man and all, so we just figured that you’re a fag.

RUSSIACIDES

Hi Exile,
I would like to know what ordinary Americans like myself can do to make sure the nasty problems in Russia never reach American soil.
- Russian spies: I read in Newsweek last week that there are lots of spies in the US. According to Newsweek, Chevrolets from the 1980’s are considered luxury cars among Russian spies. Is there any other way apart from looking at their cars that I can recognize Russian spies in order to notify the county sheriff?
- Russian bugs and other animals: I heard you got something called “crabs” from a girl you met in Moscow. I am planning to go to New York soon, where there are a lot of Russians. Should I bring some sort of pest control? I have something called “cypermethrin spray” for cockroaches. Will that be enough, or should I take my armadillo repellent with me?
Please let me know as soon as possible!
Kyle Faircloth
Willacoochee, Georgia

Dear Mr. Georgia,
We’d advise you to bring a baseball bat and get ready for some good ol’ boy fag-bashing if you plan on being around Russians. As for pesticides, to this day modern science has not been able to develop a crabicide powerful enough to take on the famous body parasite common to Russians. In fact, most crabicides just make the crabs here angrier, so it’s best to just let them chew on you until their little crab hearts explode.

SICK FOR [sic]

No “SIC” this time? I guess I can’t believe you guys finally got your heads kicked in by all those Russian flatheads after your “All Russian Men Are Gay Issue”. I weep for you douchebags. Believe it or not, I just returned from your “cradle of civilization” New York City (witness my pithy use of the term “douchebag”) and just wanted to let you know that they’re ready for you to return to all that is good and beautiful about America—Times Square. A cesspool like that needs turds like you two...er...two turds like you. Ah, who the fuck knows...
Anyway, I know you don’t give a fuck...and quite frankly am overjoyed you’re not here in Texas!
Fyodor in H-town
P.S. Someone tell Limonov that it’s OK to butcher the English language but do us all a favor and use a F-U-C-K-I-N-G S-P-E-L-L C-H-E-C-K.
P.P.S. A question, to the one of you two scumbags that knows something about roundball, who, if not Hakeem Olajuwon, is the greatest center of all time?

Dear Mr. H-Town,
What is a fag doing in Houston?

THE BIG WOP-PER

Dear Mark, i had the opportunity to know your alternative magazine during one of my travels to Moscow last winter ( I was there for the adoption of my child Andrej, now with us here in Genoa, Italy). I’m the editor of POL.it Psychiatry on line Italia (http://www.pol-it.org) the first and most read on line psychiatric magazine in Europe ( from Alexa data). I wonder if you’ d like to write for us a paper about the situation of mental hillness anad Mental health care there in Russian Federation. I know about “the use” of Psychiatry in the pst but now I’d like to have a report, from “the street”, about the real situation... Let me know if you can do it for us.
Best from Italy...
Francesco Bollorino
DIPARTIMENTO DI SCIENZE PSICHIATRICHE
UNIVERSITA’ DI GENOVA

Dear Mr. Bollorino,
Not only would Ames like to write a paper about mental hillness in Russia, he’d even be willing to demonstrate such illnesses for you.

ECCE HOMO

Dear editors,
Regarding your article about gay Russian men, Nietzsche, in contrasting love and friendship, claimed that women can feel love but that only men are capable of friendship because it is a relationship of equals. He then described how the latter was dying among modern people.
Any eastern European can tell you about the lack of true friendship among western males. Nietzsche showed that you guys, not the Russian “fags”, are the ones who are not real men (the British among you especially). take care,
A. Pleshkevych

Dear Mr. Pleshkevych,
Nietzsche was a known fag and so are you. However, we should add that you brought up an interesting and correct point: Brits are fags too. Thanks for reminding us.

FLIGHTLESS AND BRAINLESS

Hi,
I write to recommend a great NZ website which address is www.magicfonts.com. I have browsed almost all custom font sites on the web, and think that this site plays real magic on the production of fonts for individuals and businesses. Please check it out.
I wish you will find this information useful. Opinions are welcome.
Bob Simpson
a Kiwi kid

Dear Mr. Simpson,
What a bunch of useless shit that was. But what’s to be expected from a flightless idiot stuck on a rock down at the ocean-eroded bottom of Planet Earth. You should be paying pilgrimages to eXile book burner John Dolan in Dunedin, offering him alms and gifts and virgin girls to rape, not surfing the net for stupid fonts.

AMERICA IS GOOD

Hello. I am Bosnian immigrant living in the Unted States Of America. I dont know which you guys dislike The United States about? I work hard to have been what I am today. I have right to speak that you guys selfish and cannot put Russia and America down!! Americans and Russian gave me place to feel home and safe from bombs and I fled war for many good reasons. You think so high of which you are!!! Well... I got a say - you should go home and stop touching decent people. I lived at Moscow five years worked hard to get to America and I did. Everybody has opportunitie to be where they like, but cannot touch people for them!!!
With No Congratulations, Goodbye!!!
Skoal Zafronov

Dear Mr. Zafronov,
Either learn to spell the “United” States properly, or get out of our country, you smelly immigrant fuck! We have alerted the INS of your name and e-mail address, and have told them that you are a paranoid schizophrenic and an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist on the payroll of Osama bin Laden, whose mission is to set off a massive fertilizer-bomb-packed van during the National Spelling Bee championship to be held in Dayton, Ohio this summer. You can run, you cowardly bastard, but you can’t hide from the combined forces of the INS and the eXile!

FRATIATOR

Why is that fat Phi Delt fool still there? Do I need to know that Dan Higgins cannot get laid in a bowling alley? Does anyone? Why don’t you send him to Minsk. If he can’t get laid in Minsk, then no oversized American in a baseball cap can either. Maybe he’ll stay there and give us all a break. Please hire somebody else with a normal sized ass and at least one fucking chance in ten of getting laid in Moscow, for fuck’s sake.
Hicks

Dear Mr. Hicks,
Dan Higgins replies, “Phi Delts fuckin kick almighty ass, you fucking faggot. What were you, a fucking Kappa G or SAE or one of those pussy frats? If I catch your sorry ass one time, me and the bro’s here are going to completely fuck up your face for good. And while we’re at it, we’ll shave your mom’s back!”

IN DENIAL

The last feature story claims that all Russian men are gay because they socialize too much among themselves, do not pay enough attention to their women and ignore the threat of more prosperous and accommodating Western competition.
To say that all Russian men are gay is like to say that Hells Angels are gay, or that all feminists are lesbians: makes one feel superior and insightful but does not change anything. Remember how Edith Cresson, the former French Prime Minister, claimed that one third of Anglo-Saxon men were gay? It is a label rather than explanation.
The real explanation of why the Exile crew finds all Russian men gay is two-fold.
First, Russia lost the Cold War.In wars the victor takes young women from the vanquished.The strong takes away from the weak. Nothing has changed since the Roman times.That is why Americans can drive Russian women across the border “like cattle”. Russians can stop Americans from taking Russian women no more than Vietnamese , Cubans, or American Indians could or can; no more than a poor American could stop Anna Nicole Smith from marrying that 89-year-old billionaire, no more than Jaclyn Kennedy could be prevented from marring that ugly Greek.
Second,even as they defeated the Russians, Americans lost a war of their own: to their own women. Some still remember the times when there were bars where women were not allowed. Accidentally, these were not gay bars.The only sex segregation still allowed today may be found in Brooklyn Public Baths, very similar to the Russian steam baths. The Old World men-only outings and gatherings, still possible in Russia, Ireland, Greece or Cicely, would not stand with the Imperial Females.
Needless to say, such archaic rituals would bewilder a modern day American man.His country’s women would not put up with such sexist practices.These women can afford to be extremely demanding- after all, they won the war!
Hence in the West, particularly the US, there is an oversupply not of heterosexuals but of heterosexuals who cannot meet these women’s demands and expectations:guys who are not tall, good-looking,and rich. These guys have to scout for female companionship in Russia because they are losers to women in their own countries.Their success with Russian women has less to do with personal merit or achievement than with the strength of Western currency and the enormous prestige of all things Western. And their failure in the West was their own:a Ricky Martin does not have to go to Russia to meet girls. If Russian women would become less desperate they may ask, paraphrasing “The Fall of expatriate royalty” article,if these guys were so great, how come they could not find an American girl back home?
A casual indifference is a living reproach to excitement born out of barely forgotten desperation.When an expat sees Russian men being cool about Russian women he may want to call them gay simply not to feel being a looser who can steadily get laid only by another country’s geopolitical catastrophe, the kind of sexual looser he knows he was before he came to Russia, according to “Exile” the book.
Dmitry Marin

Dear Mr. Marin,
You are in denial. That’s okay, we expect it. But sometime you’re going to have to face up to the harsh truth. You are gay. Your family knows it. Your neighbors know it. Dogs know it. You’re gay, ok? You’re a fag!

A BITCH OPENS HER MOUTH

Dear eXile,
Your revelatory cover feature was unusually perceptive; however the story All Russian Men Are Gay uncovered only a partial truth. The truth is, as I have concluded to my regret, that All Men Are Gay.
Yours,
Rachel E.

Dear Ms. E.,
The reason all men appear to you to be gay is because you are a castrating bitch. With an ass the size of a KaMaZ. But since you’re the only bitch who wrote us a letter this issue, we’re offering you a free eXile T-shirt. You just have to call our offices and let us watch you put it on. Uh-huh-huh.

LOSERWEEK

Dear Matt:
Since you reamed Newsweek in the Sweet 16, I thought I’d ask you your opinion of their Russian publication, Itogi. What’s the dirt?
Specifically, I’d like to draw your attention to the recent Itogi article (Feb. 20?) on the troubles in Ukraine right now, and Russia’s response. One line, referring to that chick dep. PM’s dismissal and arrest, began, “[Kuchma] Having beheaded the opposition...” I thought this was either a grisly masked pun on Gongadze’s death, or else a very unfortunate, accidental coincidence. Anyway, for a publication that’s not nearly so ‘fringy’ as the eXile, such figurative language seems in poor taste - esp. considering a real beheading (and chopping off hands, skinning, etc.) of the opposition has taken place.
I love your paper - esp. Dan Higgins - and yes, I am a loser, and no, I don’t have anything better to do.
Best,
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
We’d like to respond to this thought-provoking letter, but frankly, you’re a loser. We don’t talk to losers. We just try to sucker you into buying our book, “The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia” published by Grove/Atlantic Press. Any other questions?

BULL-SHIT-GARIAN

Dear eXiles,
Since I’m the only Bulgarian who reads your site religiously (the only one who’d publicly admit it anyway) I feel it is about time to give something back to your paper, with which I have had, up till now, a one sided relationship - one of a consumer. Your article “OI, MEHANA, SHIKA DAM!” covers a variety of Bulgarian dishes including the “robust variation on the eggplant and pepper puree that has been prepared for countless centuries all around the Mediterranean”. The actual name of this puree is “kiopalo” with the stress placed on the first “o”.
Also, I cannot believe how the author Kirkorov, who I saw for the first time on a Spanish language channel (whata freak mon) here in the USofA, has missed the famous Bulgarian cold yogurt soup with cucumbers “tarator”. Shame! So much for my contribution to your culinary vocabulary.
PS: Keep up the good work! Every sane English-speaking Russia watcher needs you badly.
PPS: Can you send me a T-shirt here in the states? Don’t make me whip one out on my own! I doubt the Wisconsin State Assembly is watching out for eXile logo plagiarizing, but still... :)
Mitko

Dear Mr. Mitko,
What the hell is a “Bulgarian”? Is that a real country, or some kind of an inside joke?

HIS BUTT-LER’S CRACK

I hope Liminov comes back soon I bought a used copy of “His Butler’s Story” and “Memoir of a Russian Punk”. Both are quite good but I prefer “Butler”. I see where Ames copped his style from. Especially for that chapter in the book about living with the slav girl, her mother, and having crabs. And I see where you got your publisher. Hope Ames and Limonov come back soon as the paper is getting pretty thin.
P.S. Is every email written to you published in “sic”? And how do you decide when to publish someone’s full name and not just their first?
Mkv32@aol.com

Dear Mr. .com,
We publish their names when they’re stupid enough to give them to us. But the biggest idiots are those who don’t give us any name, just an email address. All eXile readers are invited to spam and hate mail this sad excuse for a human being.

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