LEGEND: Old people "Control shot" Riddled with bullets Podyezd Cannibalism Cries for help ignored Investigation continuing Children Low-yield murder Really stupid criminal Carved up like a turkey Killing "connected with professional activities of victim" Hunger-related crime Murder-suicide

Don’t talk that way about my coat.

GUIDED BY VOICES

The Korneyev family had problems. They didn’t know it yet, but powers on high were out to get the seemingly functional family. Daddy was a day-shift security guard at the Zelenograd branch of Mosstroibank, while the missus was one of the few housewives in Russia. With their fourteen-year-old daughter, they seemed like a Russian version of the Cleavers in a one-bedroom apartment.

The idyllic family life all came to an abrupt end two weekends ago when a 40-year-old man, who claimed to be hearing voices, murdered all three. The details are still a bit hazy, as the murderer has been having trouble articulating what exactly who the voices were, what they commanded him to do and how he did it.

According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, the last time anyone from the family was seen was Friday afternoon, when the husband left work. Nothing was reported until Monday morning, when an anonymous tip to the local militsia reported that there had been a murder in their apartment.

Apparently, the killer — a construction worker — was a long-time acquaintance of the family. Some time over the weekend he stopped by for a visit. The wife opened the door and he wasted no time explaining the purpose of his visit. Perhaps he figured they had heard the same voices? He shot her in the head and then shot the husband as he slept. Finally, he turned the pistol on the daughter and took her out, too.

Since he was divinely inspired, he didn’t pay much attention to subtlety. He didn’t bother trying to hide the corpses or clean up at all. He simply turned around and left the site of the crime, ditching his gun on the way out.

When the cops apprehended him several days later, he gave up without a fight. He didn’t elaborate on what else the voices told him to do, although he suggested that this action might help him get in Jody Foster’s good graces.

 

Dima didn’t know that the genie was hard of hearing.

FLATHEAD TAX

Two thugs were found dead in an isolated Yugo-Zapadnaya parking lot. The pair had failed to correctly file their ill-gotten earnings with the local boss, thus trying to evade his rather hefty levy. Unfortunately, they were subject to an audit and murdered for their poor accounting.

The 38- and 39-year-old gangsters were brought to the parking lot ostensibly for a standard business meeting. They didn’t even think to arm themselves. Then, as they were getting out of their semyorka, a hit man unloaded an automatic on the two unfortunates. He tossed the gun in the corner of the lot and left the scene quickly.

The two dead guys often did business with the Baumansky Criminal Group, their specialty being robbery. The elder had once worked for the militsia but made the switch to organized crime after getting reprimanded for being too dirty. However, Moskovsky Komsomolets claims that they forgot that even the criminal world has standards. They don’t let just any riff-raff participate.

After a recent heist, they paid the tax collector 5,000 dollars less than they should have. This poor judgement sealed their fate. On the day of their murder, they were invited to discuss the ins and outs of the mafia’s rules and regulations. The 29-year-old Ukrainian who offered the invitation to the lot allegedly told them that just this once, they would be forgiven their transgression... provided that they listened to his lecture on the criminal code. Kind of like traffic school for tax offenders.

When they arrived, he didn’t even say hi before gunning them down. The militsia apprehended the Ukrainian the following day in his apartment. However, whoever ordered the hit probably won’t be brought in any time soon.

LIKE A CROCK

Boris Dobrovsky was a hell of a salesman. As the boss at Vseobschei Insurance Co., he could talk anyone into the need of buying insurance. After all, Russia’s a pretty unpredictable place. But he apparently didn’t have much faith in his company being able to deliver. He didn’t even take out a policy on his own life. Of course, maybe the premiums were just too high for people in his line of work — insuring managers is like insuring four-pack-a-day smokers.

Too bad he didn’t make the investment, though, as his bereaved wife could use the money now. He was gunned down one recent morning outside his apartment. His killers had a nice variation on the usual “pop a guy in the podyezd on his way to work” hit.

On the morning of his death, a man rang his doorbell around eight in the morning, saying that Boris had blocked him in. Boris, being an obliging neighbour, set down his coffee and went to go move his Mercedes 220. The conspirator drove his car out of the space and Boris reparked since he didn’t have to be at work for another hour.

Preparing to take on the Korean world champion...

As Boris got out of the car, another man unloaded four rounds into the uninsured man from about five yards away. The pistol had a silencer and no one would have heard but for a stray bullet hitting a window of a second floor apartment. A witness with a broken window saw the hit man get into a waiting dark foreign car and take off. Boris died on the spot.

Moskovsky Komsomolets wasn’t sure which of his business ventures brought about his demise; Boris had quite a diverse portfolio. In addition to the insurance agency, which was only about a year old, he ran a construction company that undertook large projects around Moscow and owned a couple restaurants. Even more suspicious was his Liechtenstein registered company “Rista.”

None of his partners admitted knowing anything about his enemies and claimed he was honest. After all, they argued, if he did deal in shady business, wouldn’t he have been better insured?

FLASHING NEWS

Extra, extra! Read all about it! A newspaper delivery guy for an undisclosed English language daily was arrested for flashing prepubescent boys in a Sumskaya Ulitsya podyezd.

After delivering a load (of newspapers), the 24-year-old flasher would terrorize little boys from around Moscow’s Severny Chertanov region. He stripped in front of his victims - who ranged from 6- to 13-years-old - and would then jack off. Once his proverbial second load was delivered, he let the mysteriously aroused boys run home.

He was arrested after a fourth-grader broke the cardinal rule molestation victims and told his father. The police found him easily, as he regularly frequented the same podyezd for his job. So far, only three boys have fingered him as the guilty party, but the flasher confessed to flashing kids since March. He faces up to three years in prison for his eXhibitionism.