[SIC!]
E-mail us: editor@exile.ru
DON’T BOX ME IN
Dear Exiled People,I hate all of you because you are so much closer to all that fine Russian box than I am. Nothing like a little poverty to make a young girl horny as hell. So desperate they will even fuck me. And you mother fuckers.
Fuckin bastards all of you. Go to hell. I am going to cry now and then maybe whack off.
Evil B
Dear Mr. B,
There’s no reason to be angry with us. We’re impotent and getting uglier by the day. Even pan-handling Russian girls wouldn’t touch us. And we’d have nothing hard to touch them with anyway.
THE BERIA BUNCH
We have been unable to access your site for a couple of days here in the US. Has Beria’s ghost bedeviled your server’s circuitry?Premier Kisov
Dear Mr. Kisov,
Our site was briefly down, you are right. We just wanted to test and see if anyone would miss us. Judging by your one letter, it seems we are loved and were missed. Thank you-you’ve just given us the hope and inspiration to continue for another 4 years.
BUTT SEEKING ARCHIVES
Is there an archive anywhere for the eXile? The site seems to have closed.Thanks.
Marc Talbot
Dear Mr. Talbot,
Uh-huh-huh. He said “Tall-butt.” Uh-huh-huh.
CHEW ON THIS!
HelloIt is imposible to beleive you beacase it must be true. But truth is never is hare to stay ands will find ways to clmb. Beacase you thnk i am not good or right and my name look like tobaco and is fun to you of seeing suffer on me? Not good for you take it here or live it beacase something is rong aout it and never kool. you men only feel like that beacase it is hard to wim woman you need in america but russian woman giv free doeses for no money and .... taht make you week like animal!
Skoal Zafronov
Dear Ayatollah Zafranov,
Your English is showing amazing improvement. Keep up the hard work. Some day you may even become articulate enough to work as a janitor in our offices! All we ask is that you stop screaming “Allah Akhbar!” every time President Bush shows up on your television screen. We wouldn’t want the INS to take your green card away.
MOMMIE DEAREST
Thanks to the miracle of godamn search engine’s, my mom (who typed in my name on google) got treated to a vulgar letter i wrote to the Exile which was printed in your Sept 14-18 2000 online edition. I hadn’t realized personal e-mails sent to staff members were publishable. Tough shit for me, i guess, but is there any way you could change my name on there? It’s difficult to explain to family members what you meant by 238 word blowjob. Thanks.David Seminara
portableculturesociety@yahoo.com
Dear Mr. Seminara,
We’ve taken your email and name down from the site. Protection of our readers from their mothers’ probing minds is one of our chief objectives. She will never see the email portableculturesociety@yahoo.com on our site again. And by the way, the 238 word blowjob referred to the blowjob that your mother gave to Dan Higgins, who claimed that he was able to make her read 238 words from The Book of Mormons while sucking his dick before he jizzed in her mouth.
DIGGIN HIGGINS
I hope you did not fire Higgins, I love his reviews(being a horny american male). Also the book was great(I bought a copy at borders here in America) Thanks for entertaining me,great reading I wish I could subscribe to the paper.Bruce Sheppard
Stafford, Virginia
USA
Dear Mr. Sheppard,
You’ve just won yourself a T-shirt for plugging our book. Since we rarely mail anything, you’ll never see it or wear it, but rest assured, we’ve set one aside for you just in case you ever peel yourself out of your musty bedroom and get thee to Moscow.
[sic] OF THE EXILE
Editors at eXile,You guys are really very bad writers. I know you know, but I mean, you are exceptionally bad writers, even for the expat gene pool you suck. Take, for example, your story about hitting the NYT reporter with the pie, it took you over a thousand words to even get to the point. Wow do you suck.
You are not gonzo, Hunter Thompson has (or had) talent and you’re not edgy, or fearless. You are just unskilled bad writers who are lucky enough to be in a community that doesn’t have any competition.
Once again, you really are bad writers and should look into doing some other kind of work. Please stop writing, please.
Bill Thompson
Dear Mr. Thompson,
Oh yeah, we bad a’ite. We bad muthufuckuhs, bad-ass writers. Yeah! We bad! Damn straight, beeyitch!
SHITCAGO
Hello from Chicago, actually in a border town!I’m reading your “sex, drugs, and libel in the new russia” It is helping me through my summer depression here. I figured Mark might like my web site although in Kentucky now it has redeeming value. www.hometown.aol.com/nofunproducts/index.html
Dave Flores
Summit, Illinois
Dear Mr. Flores,
Mark Ames writes, “Of all the sites I’ve spanked off to since moving here, this one definitely earns two dripping monitor screens Way Up!”
THE DODO INSTITUTE
Dear eXile,It appears think tanks have been on your minds as well as mine (“Fink Tanks”, Issue 118). For me, it started when I kept seeing Cato Institute pundits on Rupert’s Fox News every time I turned it on. I knew Rupert was on Cato’s board, and this seemed to impugn the Fox News moto of “fair and balanced news”. Be that as it may. I recently saw a pundit from AEI on Ruperts channel, decided to investigate, and came across this gem:
Delinquents in Suburbia
It is an article from the American Enterprise Magazine (available for viewing at AEI’s web site). It’s opening paragraph demonstrates the tone of the article:
“If you think “juvenile delinquent” only means a 17-year-old minority male from the inner city whose impoverished mother is on welfare, you haven’t been paying attention lately. There are now legions of seriously messed up kids who look just like the ones in the suburb next door. Today’s problem child can be white, he can live in a middle- to upper-middle-class home...”
Today’s problem child can be white? Seriously? This paragraph serves as a wake-up call to the readers of AE Magazine. What this demonstrates about the readership of the magazine is staggering. They apparently need to be told that middle class white kids can be bad (just as bad as minority kids with welfare recieving mothers). This reminded me of a section of Matt Taibbi’s article on the Worst Journalist award winner Michael Wines, where Wines warns his readers that people who drive Audis and own IBM preferred can indeed to immoral. What has to be kept in mind, and what is indicated by the “Fink Tanks” article, is that AEI is no fringe organization. This is one with national exposure and one that may very likely have a hand in determining social policy in America. So this all boils down to one question: Do you have any horse sperm left?
Sincerely,
Bob Ult
Dear Mr. Ult,
No, there’s no horse sperm left. Ames drank it all before he left town. As for articles about bad white middle class kids, frankly, that was news to us too. We at the eXile are all poor blacks, so we really had no idea. These Cato Institute people are really onto something with this.
A SORE LOSER
Dear mr. Ames,So the Great Generation lost Pearl Harbour? So what? 3.000 fried and drowned sailors? There were were more where they came from. Call it a wake-up ca;ll./Talking about victory and kill ratios, why so proud about the Gulf War? Big deal. How about these kill ratios. The allies - vs. the town of Dresden (50-100.000) The United States of America - vs. Nagasaki (0- 150.000 ) The United States of America -vs. Hirosjima (0- 90.000 ) And, while we’re at it, the German SS- vs. the Jews of Europe: (1.000 - 6.000.000) - of course we got to see the broader picture here - Europe had a Great Generation too! Now, compare these statistics to your pathetic little wars in Grenada, Panama, Irak, Somalia and Kosovo. What impressive victories! Grenada - the whole US war machine including Clint Eastwood sailing out to kill 20 stoned out rastafari commie bastards. And it was close! You almost lost! Panama: army, navy, airforce, marines out again to arrest a smalltime cokedealer. In the end, you had to drag pineapple face out of the Pope’s embassy by torturing him with 80’s rock music, like MTV did with the rest of us. . And Peruvian marching powder is actually cheaper now, praise the Lord. Irak: yes, you fried some camel jockeys. And Saddam is still out there, one happy smiling puppy. In was fun, i admit, but full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Somalia: Just love to play and replay this footage of the mangled corpes of Somalian marines being dragged through the dusty streets of Mogadishu by Americans ....or was it the other way around? Hell, time flies. Kosovo: Slobo is down - 2 years after this loser bombing campaign of yours. The brave and unconquered Serbs only gave in because they got bored with the fireworks and were glad to get rid of these Albanian bastards anyway. They are you concern now. Happy? Of course, you GenX losers have every right to look down on the babyboomers. Then again: their statistics in Vietnam are not that awfull. The USA - vs.Vietnam: 50.000-2.000.000. And at least, these hippies had the nerve to go own on the green and play. They had the nerve to use C-weapons too, while you GenX chickenshit tremble with the thought about - gasp - bobdybags! And whine about depleted Uranium and ‘collatoral damage’. You GenX loosers are just a bunch of bragging virgins. .Just wait, mr. Ames, until a real war comes along, with guts, gore and glory. You lose. You’ ve already lost. And you know it.
Coen Van Zwol
Dear Mr. Zwol,
The nice thing about being from the Generation of Winners is that we DON’T have to wait for a “real war” full of blood and guts to come. Real wars are for primitives. Our wars can be watched on cable TV, in the safety of our air-conditioned homes, while scarfing on a gourmet pizza and washing it down with a bottle of Napa Valley Cab... fought by people who sit in ships hundreds of miles offshore, pushing buttons and watching things blow up on their monitors. You can have your blood and guts. We’ll take the video, please. With a side salad. And the victory. You do know what a victory is, right Mr. van Zwol?
WHEN IRISH
SNAPPERS ARE SMILING
Hi
Me an Irish exile in England with a brother in kenya and a friend on the way to moscow.. why am I forbidden to enter your site... I knew there would be a better one than the American one we were given..
My friend has a guide book but I’m worried about him going to Moscow on his own because he is so young and a bit naive...
He’s been told about an Irish community & pub but from what I’ve been allowed to read on your site they dont exist any more?????
Please help with contacts etc if you can.. the lad’s only 21 ..bit like a babe to the slaughter?
look forward to hearing from you,
Thanks,
Eileen Kennedy
Dear Ms. Kennedy,
Please send us a jpeg of your Irish snapper. Is it reddish in color, like a real lass?
RETRO RETHINK
Dear Mark, Matt and Kevin,I really enjoy your Exile songs, however, as “The Generation of Winners”, you should be equipped with better taste when choosing the melodies.
Throw out the ridiculous 70’s tunes (Village People, Sex Pistols) and write some good new lyrics to the great music of people like Cyndi Lauper, Whitney Houston, Genesis etc. Your version of “Let them know it’s Christmas” is a good start.
Sincerely yours,
DJ Patrick Bateman
Dear DJ Bateman-Bateman,
Hey, our sources tell us that there’s going to be this whole 80s retro thing. We think that’s going out on a limb, but who knows. Crazier things have happened.
IT’S ME
Dear Mr. Limonov,Why do you feel you have any political vision, beyond your self declared wish to be known as having such. Were those mental castrates who stepped on their dicks in Latvia an example of what you endorse? A.P.
Avril Perro
Dear Mr. Perro,
Why would a beaner get upset over Edward Limonov? Pick up your mop and get back to work.
SUHARTO SEEKS AJAY
dear sirs,I have been read the ad in your site. And I would like to be supplier especially quail’s egg. Can you give me some information about to whom I have to contact. My commodity from Indonesia if you interested I’ll send you some sample that you can test on it. If you already have that commodity supplier, may I know the price.
For your information, thank you very much.
sincerely yours
Dzulfiqor Indra Pradypta
Email : dyptatiga@hotmail.com
Dear Mr. Pradypta,
Thanks for inquiring, but this sounds a little bit out of our league. However, a highly-reputed former computer parts salesman and present-day publishing magnate named Ajay Goyal reportedly shouted “Bingo! Let’s do business with this Pradypta guy, man!” when he hacked into our email system and saw your letter. Considering his rags-to-riches success story here in Russia, we think you should give him a holler. Send Goyal an email at: ajg@russiajournal.com
HERO SANDWICH
Dear Editors:Your next issue should be a bout McVeigh.
A True American HERO that guy..! No kidding, you shoulf have a headline screaming as much.
This is a topic waiting to be expoited from the distant safety of Moscow.
Just a suggestion.
Pete
Dear Pete,
Here’s our suggestion: if he’s really your hero, then instead of sending us harmless emails, why not do something that would make your hero REALLY proud of you. If you do, we’ll put you in our headline. Promise.
WHITE RIOT
Your paper used to be something I would read online every week. Now, the articles have become so over-stuffed with stupid liberal-cliched political commentary that are almost unreadable. Has there been a change of editorship? Or have you guys just decided that writing independent commentary was just too much harder than regurgitating the same kind of drivel you find in the Washington Post?
Bill White
Dear Mr. White,
We object to your name. It is racist and insulting and reminds us of our tragic past. Please change it, you fascist pig you.
(c) "the eXile" Tel./fax: +7 (095) 151-4670/88 E-mail: office@exile.ru
(website-related issues: webmaster@exile.ru)